| Abstinence |
Early in recovery a period
of total sexual abstinence is a benefit. Some people call
this a period of celibacy. Later abstinence will come to
mean abstaining from your bottom line behaviors - perhaps
you inner and middle circle behaviors. |
| Accountability Partners
and Agreements |
Being accountable to someone
is an important anchor for sobriety. Make an agreement with
someone to check in - daily if at all possible. That person
should have a list of questions - very specific questions
- to ask you and that you have agreed to answer honestly.
Your partner may be a member of your group, a friend in
recovery, your therapist, or a good friend. A Fair Witness.
An accountability partner must be someone you trust and
with whom you feel safe. Shaming by and accountability partner
is not acceptable. It is not recommended that your ask you
life partner to be your accountability partner. |
| Anonymity and Confidentiality |
Guard other's safety by not
repeating what is heard in a meeting or other confidential
setting; value yourself and others by practicing "principles
before personalities." By using first names only, we guarantee
that everyone will feel safe to share, and we place everyone
on an equal footing. Living respectfully of others is an
important thread in the fabric of recovery. |
| Avoid Triggering Situations |
Choose to avoid triggering
situations. Or make them safe if you can't avoid them. You
don't have to go to business meetings at nude bars. You
can tell the others that going to such places interferes
with your spiritual growth. If you can't avoid some triggers
such as working on a computer, make it safe for yourself.
Install blocking software (so that you don't know the password),
keep your door open, turn the screen toward the door, put
the computer at home in a public area, never go online when
you are alone. You can figure out the details. Avoiding
triggers is respecting your own boundaries. |
| Balancing |
Balancing your life is important.
To help build balance you life and relationships, each day
remember to develop personal relationships with people other
than your partner. Engage in pleasure, education, rest,
creativity, spiritual involvement, and play. Becoming compulsive
about recovery does not make you sober and healthy. It merely
substitutes another compulsion. |
| Carry Recovery With you
at All Times |
Carry Recovery with You. That
may be reminders, cues, instructions, or anything else that
will help. Those things might include:
- Phone numbers of recovery friends.
- Photographs of loved ones.
- The 12 things to do each day to stay sober
- The 12 Things to do to avoid a slip
- Cost Card (add up the costs of your addiction)
- A list of your bottom lines
- Or anything else that will work.
|
| Combat Physical Inactivity |
Spend time doing fun activities,
and getting involved in sports, exercise, and other physical
activities. This is useful for all addicts and particularly
important for those who became sedentary with their addictions
such as cyber sex addicts. |
| Combat Isolation |
Spend time with people. Isolation
is a part of your disease. Find ways to be in contact with
people. Meetings are good, but the company others is good
to. The only limit is that those people must support your
sobriety even if they don't know you are an addict. |
| Define Your Sobriety and
Bottom Line Behaviors |
In defining our own sobriety,
we make a list of all of our acting out behaviors. Making
this list is very specific and is followed by a solemn commitment
to your self not to engage in those behaviors. We choose,
one day and one situation at a time, not to engage in those
behaviors. Set your bottom lines, discuss your bottom
lines, know your bottom lines, observer your bottom-lines.
That is, after all, the bottom-line.
|
| Higher Power |
It is important to explore
whatever beliefs you have in a power greater than yourself.
This may be God as you know God through your religious beliefs
or values. Your higher power may be nature, the energy of
the universe, your 12 Step group, or any other thing that
is greater than you are. There are no religious requirements
or beliefs necessary for recovery. Some of people have either
lost their spirituality before coming to recovery and some
have never had any spiritual beliefs. In recovery you may
experience a new or reawakened spiritual feeling. Some of
these awakened feelings may challenge your religious upbringing.
Be open-minded. |
| Honesty |
Work to eliminate denial, half
truths, white lies, fibs, partial truths and overt dishonesty
with ourselves and others. Tune up your crap detector.
|
| Interrupt your Acting
Out |
Develop and memorize a set
of strategies to help you to avoid acting out. Use these
daily. |
| Journaling |
Record your thoughts, feelings,
and insights. This can be an enormous help in developing
and repairing your relationship with yourself. |
| Literature and Learning |
Read some recovery literature
everyday. Daily reading helps keep your focus on recovery.
If you get one good new idea from a whole book, it was worth
it. Become more knowledgeable about you addiction by reading
relevant books and visiting informational websites
|
| Priority One |
Make Recovery your number
one priority. All of your hopes and plans, your very survival
depends on your recovery. It may not make sense at the beginning
but your order of priority should be:
- First, Sobriety
- Second, Physical and Mental Health
- Third, Financial
- Fourth, Family Relationships
|
| Meetings |
Meetings are where we share
our experience, strength and hope with each other to better
understand our common problem and work together towards
the solution. This is where you meet other recovering addicts.
We failed to do it alone, but we can do it together. You
can listen to others tell of what it was like, what happened
to them and what it is like now. You listen for the similarities
and discard the differences. In these meetings you learn
valuable information about your disease and how the 12-step
program works. Members give and receive support, work the
steps, and share experience, strength and hope in a safe
environment. At first, attend as many meetings as you can.
If possible, attend meetings daily for the first 90 days
and to practice abstinence to the best of your ability. |
| One Day at a Time |
The thought of making a pledge
to never act out sexually again can be discouraging and
overwhelming. It's important not to worry about the past
or project the future, just stay in the moment. If necessary
take it one hour or even one minute at a time. If you become
overwhelmed by tasks to be accomplished, make yourself a
list of things to do. Keep them small and simple. Tasks
that can be accomplished in five minutes or less can be
as rewarding as major long-term tasks. Especially in that
moment of confusion and bewilderment. Be mindful when your
attention is not in the moment. When your mind dwells in
the future or the past, you can do nothing. Remember, the
only time you can ever do anything is right now. |
| Prayer and Meditation |
Regular spiritual practices
that help us connect with our Higher Power strengthen recovery.
We seek guidance and strength; also turning things over
to our Higher Power. This is a means of are means of establishing
conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves.
|
| Professional Help |
Your addiction may have been
a subconscious way of self-medicating yourself for wounds
you carry from your earlier life. It is important to work
with a professional who understands sexual addiction or
is willing to learn. This is another way to keep yourself
on the path of recovery. Remember that recovery is much
more than abstinence from sexually addictive behaviors.
You may want to seek out group therapy, individual therapy,
or both. If possible, including your spouse or partner in
therapy, both individually and as a couple, can be a great
benefit to the recovery of both and to your relationship.
|
| Service |
Service is helping ourselves
by helping others. Service includes participating in activities
that support the your 12 Step group as a whole, including
leading meetings, sponsoring, reaching out to newcomers,
telling your story, serving as treasurer, writing an article
for the newsletter, or volunteering in other ways. You may
serve by helping your neighbors, volunteering in your church,
and so on. The benefit of service is not limited to serving
in the recovery community. The benefit is in connecting
with others through their needs rather than your own.
|
| Set Boundaries |
Personal boundaries became
blurred or even non-existent when we were in our sexual
addiction. Part of recovery is identifying appropriate boundaries
or limits with respect to people, places and activities.
For example, we might choose to set a boundary regarding
keeping company with people who continue in their addictions.
This is self-protective and healthy. When we were in our
addiction there was nothing we would not do and nothing
we felt we could not or should not do. Now, in recovery,
we must set boundaries to keep ourselves healthy and safe.
|
| Sharing at Meetings |
Being honest and vulnerable
in front of fellow recovering addicts is frightening but
worth it. Many of us believe we recover in direct proportion
to our willingness to share. Some recovering addicts commit
to talking during the discussion time in each meeting. |
| Slogans |
Slogans are simple statements
that can be used in crisis situations, so that we have some
basic guidelines. These include...
- One Day at a Time
- *Live and Let Live
- *Easy Does It
- *Progress, Not Perfection
- *First Things First *Keep It Simple
- *Let Go and Let God *
- HOW (How our program works: Honesty, Open-mindedness,
Willingness)
- *HALT (Not allowing ourselves to become too Hungry,
Angry, Lonely or Tired)
|
| Sponsorship |
As part of the surrender process,
we admit our weaknesses and we ask others for help. A sponsor
is a recovering addict with more sobriety and Program experience
than you. Your sponsor, should be someone with whom you
can communicate. A sponsor provides a framework for a recovery
plan, working the Twelve Steps, and can bring emotional
support at difficult times. Find a sponsor immediately,
even if they are only temporary. You can always change later
if the relationship does not work out. |
| Support Network |
Meeting with other people to
discuss your journey helps you to know you are not alone
and allows you to get another perspective on your struggles.
Cultivate communication with other recovering people between
meetings, either by phone, the Internet or in person; asking
for support when needed. These relationships are best cultivated
in non-crisis times. Some recovering people commit to talk
with someone everyday
|
| Telephone |
The Telephone is your lifeline
between meetings. Get phone numbers from other members in
your program. Get use to calling someone daily. It is an
important way to break out of the isolation that is so strongly
a part of the disease. You may be shy and hesitant at first
but by training yourself to call someone, it will be easy
to place that call when that moment of crisis arises. And
it will! |
| The "S.A.F.E" Formula |
The "S.A.F.E" Formula
is an easy way to define addiction. If the following elements
are present, then the person's sexual problems could be
called an addiction:
Secret - It is a secret. Anything that cannot
pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.
Abusive - It is abusive to self or others. Anything
that is exploitive or harmful to others of degrades oneself
will activate the addictive system
Feelings - It is used to avoid or is a source
of painful feelings. If sexuality is used to alter moods
or results in painful mood shifts it is clearly part of
the addictive process
Empty - It is empty of a caring committed relationship.
Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery
is the healthy dimension of human relationships. The addict
runs a great risk by being sexual outside a committed relationship.
|
| The Twelve Steps |
Working the steps is the foundation
of recovery; they are a set of spiritual practices for personal
growth and recovery. Meetings may keep you sober for some
time, but the Twelve Steps are vital for a stable and happy
recovery. The Steps are the means by which you move from
the problem of addiction to the solution of recovery. You
learn about the Steps by reading the literature, by attending
Step study meetings, and by working with a knowledgeable
sponsor. Read the 12 Steps and Work them. Join a step
study, discuss a step at your 12 Step meetings, with your
sponsor, therapist, accountability partner and others who
are supportive of your recovery. But Work The Steps.
|
| Workshops, conferences and
retreats |
Workshops, conferences,
and retreats provide opportunities to spend more time
focused on the recovery and in the company of like-lived
others. |
