Toss a stone into a pool of still water
Getting sober and into
recovery means becoming a mature, responsible, accountable adult. The
self-centeredness and self-involvement of active sexual addiction makes
awareness of the impact of acting out beyond the grasp of the addict. But as
recovery develops, the recovering addict begins to grasp the magnitude of the
harm the addiction has wrought. Step 8 asks that we make "a list of all persons
we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all". This exercise
takes us through that step.
Toss a stone into a pool of still water. The ripples spread out in concentric
circles until they wash against the shore of the pool. Then they wash back
toward the center and again to the further edge of the pool. Depending on the
size of the stone and the pool and the force of your toss, the pool eventually
appears calm again. Of course we know that the energy transferred from the stone
to the water further transfers to the shore. Although the visible effects
dissipate in a bit of time, in fact, the effect of the tossed stone continues to
impact the world forever.
So it is with all of actions including the actions of sexual addiction. Of
course, when we are active in our addictions, we are unable to see the impact of
the energy we discharge. That is partly why it is important, in recovery, to
take account of the harm we have done - to make ourselves accountable - and to
make amends. Focus only on the direct impacts of your addiction (don't include
work you didn't do, money you didn't earn or contribute to charity, friendships
you didn't develop, and so forth). Thinking only of the direct effects of acting
out, you realize that those you victimized, used, hurt, betrayed, objectified,
abandoned, or neglected, retain the residue of your actions. Now that you are in
recovery, you know that none of our actions were victimless. At a bear minimum,
your own integrity was damaged each time you acted out. The people who posed for
the photos you consumed or who engaged in impersonal sex acts with you
objectified and dehumanized themselves in those acts. Those you impacted act
themselves, in turn, partly out of the impact of your action. Those actions may
not be sexual acting out. It may be being less responsive parents, less
productive employees, less responsible members of the community, and so forth.
Your acts had the impact of damaging the self-esteem or ability to trust of
other people and that ripple continues on, not only in those lives, but in all
the lives touched by those lives. There is a continuing effect.
Think roughly of the number of people you directly effected by your acting
out. Just guess. If you think you directly hurt 100 people, then for the sake of
illustration, think that each of them then passed along that hurt, in some form,
to 100 people. At that secondary step, you negatively influenced 10,000 people.
Each of those people passes on the hurt or anger or damaged self-image to 100
people; you have now effected a million people in some way. At the fourth step,
you have effected 100 million people, and at the fifth step, 10 billion. You can
stop counting at that point because there are only 6 billion of us on the
planet. Of course the magnitude of the consequence of our actions on each
individual diminishes at each step. But it does continue. By the way, if you
think you directly effected only 10 people then you still impact the whole
world, but it takes 10 steps. If you directly effected 1000 people, it takes
only four steps to affect the whole world.
The central point is this. Obsessive, self-absorbed addictive behaviors, in
some way - however small, make the world a poorer place for everyone.
Now think about the changes in recovery. Each day you refrain from doing
harm, you slow the flow of negativity in the world. Better still, each act of
compassion, understanding, helpfulness, or even appropriate self-care, adds a
ripple of positively to the world. Each time you act in accord with your healthy
values, you are making amends.
This exercise is really just a head exercise. Think it through for yourself.
What do your healthy values tell you about how you want the world to be? What
gift would you give to each person in the world each day? Allow yourself to
become mindful that each day you have your six-billionth of the votes about how
the world will be. In recovery, that choosing is about avoiding harm and doing
good. That is making amends in very clear, direct, healthy, and continuing way.
