Ten Steps to Forgiveness
The programs of the recovery groups
and many therapists speak of the value of forgiveness - forgiveness
of self and others and forgiveness by others. Often recovering
addicts have little experience forgiving or much guidance in the
process. This then is a guide in the process of forgiveness. Books
stores and the internet are also filled with information about
forgiveness
Addicts are warned of the dangers of anger, isolation, entitlement, and
resentment in recovery. They may precipitate slips and relapses. Anger,
isolation, entitlement, and resentment are also more difficult to overcome when
we remain in non-forgiveness when we have been wronged or hurt.
Forgiveness is not simple or easy. Like recovery, it is a process. Many
people mouth superficial forgiveness. This is really a wish to forgive, a wish
to be done with the pain, or a wish to act as the superficial forgiver believes
she or he should act. But this quick and easy forgiveness is pseudo-forgiveness.
Like most quick and easy solutions, pseudo-forgiveness does not stand the test
of time.
- What Forgiveness Is:
We can deal with anger in three ways; denial,
expression, and forgiveness. Denial buries a secret resentment in the heart.
Expression of anger is appropriate initially after a hurt. But ultimately
forgiveness must follow else resentment, grudges, and hatred develop.
Forgiveness is the release of anger and resentment, not harboring of anger and
resentment. To forgive is to give up resentment and the desire for vengeance.
Forgiveness is a set of actions that produce changes in your own feeling,
thinking, and behavior. Thus, the goal of forgiveness is to let go of a hurt and
move. Forgiveness does not just happen. It flows from a decision. Forgiveness is
not for the offender. It is for the one who has been harmed.
What Forgiveness Is Not: People often confuse
forgiveness with other things.
- Forgiving is not accepting the offending behavior.
- Forgiving is not forgetting that you were wounded by
another's actions.
- Forgiving is not pardoning, excusing, or condoning. The
wrong is not denied, dismissed, minimized, or justified.
- Forgiving is not reconciling. You may forgive and yet choose
not to continue a relationship with the offender.
- Forgiveness is not weakness. You do not become a doormat or
oblivious to cruelty when you forgive.
What Unforgiveness Is: In unforgiveness you replay the offense against
you and imagine your revenge again and again. In so doing you bring up negative
and destructive emotions for yourself. Holding a grudge takes mental, emotional,
and physical energy. It makes you obsessive, angry, and depressed. Holding on to
anger is associated with mental, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical
problems. Part of deciding to forgive is a recognition of the suffering produced
when hostile and hateful thoughts occupy your mind. Remaining in unforgiveness
saps your energy and may even make you ill. You are hurt by your
non-forgiveness. You suffer. Let that knowledge motivate you to forgive and let
go. As Malachy McCourt said, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for
the other person to die."
When you remain in unforgiveness, nursing resentment, you allow another
person, your offender, control over your well-being. You continue as a helpless
victim of their misdeeds. This too may motivate you to let go, forgive, and go
on.
Harboring resentment inevitably infects other relationships and activities in
your life. Just as a sour mood impacts others, a persistent grudge impacts those
you love and value in your life.
If you find yourself thinking, "I wouldn't give him or her the satisfaction
or forgiving" remember this is about your satisfaction. That is the question.
Would you give yourself the satisfaction of forgiving?
The Benefits of Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a gift that you give to
yourself and your family. Forgiveness decreases anger, depression, and anxiety.
Forgiveness increases self-esteem, self-control, and emotional stability, and it
strengthens relationships. Forgiveness promotes peace and serenity in your life.
"But, but, but, but, what about what they did???": When we have been
harmed we cry out for apology, repentance, and reparation. We want to know why
the offender did what they did. And it is nice when we get an apology or can
understand the other's motivation. It makes forgiving easier because it relieves
part of the resentment. But waiting for the other to "get it" still leaves you
in the place of victimhood. The fact is you don't need to know why the other
acted as they to forgive. You don't need an apology or reparations either.
Forgiveness is something you do and you do it for yourself. It is not something
that is earned by the offender's contrition or atonement. As you wait for an
apology or explanation, you remain imprisoned by your offender.
Preparing to forgive: You must recognize you have been hurt rather
than minimizing or denying. We often dismiss the reality that we've been hurt in
order to appear tough, because we don't know how to handle the reality of
dealing with harm in a relationship, or because we so fear the loss of the
relationship that we distort reality. Stop that. Honor your experience - the
offense really happened. Allow your hurt to be validated by someone you trust;
your therapist, a good friend, your partner, your sponsor, or other friend in
recovery. Letting yourself experience empathy and compassion for your hurt helps
you to heal and helps you prepare to forgive.
It may be that you are permanently and adversely changed by the injury. If
so, vengeance and resentment will not change that. It only further burdens you.
Getting clear about the impact of the injury and accepting the consequences is
necessary before you can forgive. Forgiving may not reverse all the effects of
the offense. It will free you from the anger and resentment. This involves
recognizing that this is not a "just world", it is just the world.
Decision to Forgive: The crucial point comes when you make a conscious
and deliberate decision to forgive. Sometimes this comes about due to a change
of heart on your part, conversion to a new or revised way of thinking or set of
values, or perhaps the insight that your old resolution strategies are not
working for you. The decision requires that you are willing to commit to do the
work of forgiving the offender
The Work: There are several elements involved in the work of
forgiving.
Deliberately shift your frame of reference to the perspective of the
offender. Imagine what the context of the offense really looked like to them.
When you accomplish this, you will find that you have empathy for the offender.
The fact is that people hurt other people because they have been hurt
themselves. It doesn't invalidate your hurt to know that your offender was
acting out of his or her own pain. Empathy will lead you to compassion toward
the offender.
Challenge the "shoulds" in your thinking. Forgiveness is easier when
you give up the irrational beliefs that fuel your frustration, anger, and
hostility. Many of us believe and expect that other people will always act in
the way we want. But others will not always act in your best interest. So, be
mindful of the "shoulds" in your thinking and speaking such as:
- She shouldn't have done this to me.
- They shouldn't act that way.
- My husband should have known better.
- My wife should be more attentive to me.
- I've worked hard and I should have been rewarded.
Whenever you find the word "should" in your thinking and talking, challenge
yourself. Remind yourself that it is unreasonable to expect that people will
always act decently and respectfully toward you. Everyone is fallible and
capable of making mistakes or harming others.
Remember how you have hurt others in your life. Really let yourself remember
your own misdeeds. It may help you flip the process and imagine your actions
from your victims' points of view. Realization of the impact of your actions on
others helps you to know that you have needed others' forgiveness in the past.
And this helps you to release the arrogance and self-righteousness inherent in
resentment and to accept your faulted humanness. Forgiveness is a human
experience. As you recognize that you too are imperfect and have harmed others,
you can allow yourself the insight that you are also not alone. Offending and
forgiving are part of the unifying human experience. Giving and needing
forgiveness are essential parts of life. Rejoice at the reunion.
When you feel really ready, write a letter to the offending person. There is
no need to mail it. Express fully, clearly, and honestly how you feel and why
that person's act hurt you and made you angry. Acknowledge what you gained from
the relationship the person. Own your part. Look honestly at yourself to see if
you too have some responsibility in the hurt such as not complaining at the
time, staying in the relationship, or minimizing your own feelings. This too is
a step away from victimhood. Allow yourself to express all your feelings fully.
Do not focus only on the hurts. Conclude with the bold declaration of
forgiveness without conditions. Read the letter out loud. When you are
completely sure that you mean every word and have left nothing out you are ready
to symbolically end the resentment.
Different people find that different symbolic expressions of forgiveness are
satisfying to them. Some bury the letter in a their yards, a park, or a
cemetery. Others burn the letter in the fireplace or an open fire. Others still
throw the letter into the sea or a rushing river. Visualize the person you are
forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from
continuing the behavior that hurt you. See yourself freed from the anger and
resentment you have carried. This is a powerful symbolic exercise, which many
people find to be extremely therapeutic. Invent a ceremony that satisfies you.
The process of forgiveness leads you to acceptance, absorption, and bearing
of the pain rather than battling with the pain. That battle to control the
uncontrollable creates suffering. The pain alone is much easier to bear.
Acceptance creates serenity and peace. As you work through this process, you may
have the realization that you have a new purpose in life because of the injury.
You will almost surely be aware of decreased negative emotion and increased
positive emotion.
When you have liberated yourself from the painful links to the offense and
released the anger and resentment, feel yourself growing lighter and more
joyous. Now you are free to move on with your life without that bitter burden.
Do not look back in anger.
And if the resentment returns, repeat the process. You change the oil in your
car, mow your lawn, wash your clothes, and repeat a bizillion other things. Life
is partly the repetition of valued processes. Why not forgiveness?
Start Small: Start with small forgivings - practice with small hurts.
Many of us have little experience with deliberate forgiveness. You would not
begin jogging by running a marathon. Why begin a practice of forgiving with your
rapist, molester, abusive parents, or betraying spouse? Learn the process and
experience of forgiving. Work your way up to the big stuff. Like the old joke
says, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" "Practice, practice, practice."
To become a generous forgiver of major pains, practice forgiveness on small
hurts. Forgive immediately the small slights inflicted by strangers - a rude
clerk, a driver who cut you off, a doctor who keeps you waiting and waiting,
etc. Use those experiences as practice to prepare you for the tougher task of
forgiving major hurts. If it gets tough, get help. Talk, read, learn, and return
to the process.
Make a practice of forgiving: Make forgiving a practice in your life.
Forgive as soon as you realize you have been injured. You will be freer, more
positive, healthier, and have more energy to give to living rather than
resenting. Forgive when you feel hurt or insulted by someone's comment. Forgive
when others disappoint or injure you. Doing so insures that small irritations do
not transform into deep resentments or intense hatred. Forgive it all. It is all
forgivable. Remember this one vital fact: forgiveness is a gift you give
yourself.
