Sexual Addiction and the Amazing Lie-O-Matic
Addicts lie. They
lie to maintain their double lives. Maybe some addicts learn to lie just to
support their addiction, but usually not. Lying usually begins much earlier.
Children learn to lie if their parents and other caregivers are too fragile to
handle the truth. They learn the skill of lying to manage the emotions and
behavior of their caregivers. They learn to lie to protect themselves from
punishment, shame, anger, judgment, and rejection. Those things are toxic
caregiver junk. The learning doesn't happen all at once.
Children start out speaking the truth. It's the obvious, easy thing to do. If
the caregiver loves and accepts the child as the child speaks the truth,
regardless of the content of the truth, the child keeps speaking the truth. But
if the child gets junk from an adult after speaking the truth, the child begins
to lie. Each time a child gets junk after she or he tells the truth, a little
bit of learning happens. An alarm begins to develop. The alarm says, "Warning,
Warning, Warning - You will get junk for speaking the truth. Warning, Warning,
Warning. Protect yourself". After a while, that response becomes quite
automatic. It bypasses the part of the brain that could assess the reality of
the situation. The decision to lie becomes automatic. A Lie-O-Matic is installed
in the child's brain.
Why don't kids just take the junk? Children and other humans require
continuous proof that they will survive right now. For children, the language of
that proof is love, acceptance, attention, and evidence that their caregivers
know what they are doing. When children get that proof they feel safe and they
tell the truth. But, when they do not get that proof, they feel a bone deep,
primal fear that annihilation is at hand. Like any other animal, they do what is
possible to feel safer. One thing to do to feel safer is to lie. Survival is the
fundamental thing - more important than the truth.
There is a danger detector in the Lie-O-Matic. The detector sets off the
alarm when the fear of annihilation occurs. The Lie-O-Matic sets its level based
on experience. It optimizes protection. Suppose a kid gets junk when she tells
the truth about cleaning her room but does not get junk when she tells the truth
about doing her homework. The alarm will go off around room cleaning but will
not go off around homework. If a kid gets junk when he tells the truth about his
feelings, he will come to lie about his feelings. If a kid gets junk for talking
about her perceptions, she will come to lie about her perceptions. If the kid
has been really, really, scared, more lying will happen. If a kid has been less
scared, less lying will happen. The Lie-O-Matic is a clever, sensitive, flexible
device.
Like all good alarms, the Lie-O-Matic alarm bypasses unnecessary steps. It
operates largely outside of awareness. The alarm triggers the unconsidered
decision to lie. The Lie-O-Matic does not prevent the person from being aware
that she or he is lying. In fact, the Lie-O-Matic instructs the person to lie.
But the content of the lie requires that the person tune into the facts of the
situation and use their imagination. That is certainly a conscious process. The
Lie-O-Matic does prevent the person from thinking about why he or she is lying.
The decision to lie is automatic.
When the Lie-O-Matic is first installed and adjusted it is a subjective truth
that the kid will be annihilated by too much caregiver junk. When you are a kid,
you think like a kid, feel like a kid, act like a kid, and lie like a kid. As an
adult, when the Lie-O-Matic alarm goes off, you again feel like a kid and, so
feeling like a kid and with the decision already made, you again lie like a kid.
Lying to avoid toxic junk was a good and safe short cut when you were a kid. But
now you can use your mature mind and resources to keep you safe. You can no
longer be annihilated by what is now phantom caregiver toxic junk. Now the
Lie-O-Matic is a problem and a part of the psychological system that supports
your addiction. The Lie-O-Matic and its Lie Ability is truly a liability.
Fortunately, the Lie-O-Matic system includes two signals that are detectable
and that can be used in a scheme to recover conscious control of the alarm. The
first of these signals is the experience of fear. However, faint, the fear that
triggers the Lie-O-Matic can be detected by the healthy and mature part of your
brain. This part of your brain may need practice learning to detect this signal,
but with effort and help, that can be done. The second signal that can be
detected is the activation of the fabrication system. The fabrication system
constructs the particular lie before it is uttered. It invents new lies,
searches the archives for old lies that have worked, or old truths that can be
used as lies. It assesses the plausibility and discoverability of lies, and
keeps a record, however imperfect, of lies told. One of the delightful aspects
of the fabrication system is that it takes time to decide what to do. Lying
takes more time than does telling the truth. It is a fairly simple thing to
develop a mindful oversight of the fabrication system so that rational, fact
based, mature decisions can replace those mandated by the Lie-O-Matic.
With these two sets of signals in mind, one can make more rational and mature
decisions about lying. Often, there are more healing and effective ways to
soothe the frightened child within us. Often we can see the harm we do others
and ourselves when we choose to lie. Often we can predict the shame we will feel
by lying and avoid that shame. Often, we can stay in the truth.
Understanding how you came to be a liar is important because it helps to
strengthen your compassion for yourself. You did not learn to lie because you
were a bad person. You learned to lie because you were a frightened child
protecting himself. That understanding is not a justification for continuing to
lie. The understanding helps to remove obstacles to living in the truth. And
living in the truth is a central thread in the fabric of recovery.
