Gaslighting and Reality
Imagine that you got up one morning
and everything was different. Suppose that your life partner asked you why you
were wearing a blue shirt when you knew you were wearing a white shirt and
seemed puzzled when you insisted that you saw it as white. Suppose you got to
work and your telephone extension had been changed from 4432 to 4435 but
everyone insisted that it had always been 4435. Imagine what you would begin to
think if you pointed out a new piece of art in your favorite restaurant only to
be told by your lunch partner that it had always hung just where it was. Imagine
that you began to notice that you experienced a reality slightly but
significantly different from the reality other people experienced. What if these
sort of oddities began happening day in and day out? The world that other people
perceived, understood, and remembered was different from the world you
understood. And now suppose that this condition persisted, not just for days,
but for weeks, months, and even years.
What do you think would begin to happen inside of you? You might get angry
with everyone in the world because they saw the world differently from you - you
might continue to insist that you are right. But after a while your anger would
probably fade. If you have a shred of rationality, you would begin to think,
"How likely is it that I alone think my shirt is white, my phone number is 4432,
and the painting is new? If everyone I trust thinks the world is different from
the way I think the world is, there must be something wrong with me" If you have
a shred of rationality, you would begin to think that it was you. Your anger and
frustration would begin to shift and include anxiety or even fear, depression,
confusion, and self-doubt. If you have a shred of rationality, you would wonder
if you might be going crazy.
Watch a baby test the world and learn about her reality detection devices.
The baby reaches out her hand, picks up the pretty bobble, raises it over her
head, and lets it fall back to the surface. She giggles with glee. She is
delighted by her reliable and consistent understanding of the way gravity works
in the universe. She couldn't tell you that. But inside, she knows what she is
learning. She is learning that reality is consistent and that her senses are
reliable devices for detecting reality. Her self-esteem is building. She is
thinking (in baby think), "I can, I can, I can..."
Surprise changes in reality are amusing in small, brief doses. It is why we
like jokes and are excited by thunder. When reality briefly defies our
perception, we get a rush from the novelty and then quickly restore ourselves to
reality. But the story is different if reality is altered in permanent ways. It
is a different story if those we trust to help us remain in touch with reality
tell us that we are not in touch with reality. We begin to feel odd. "I see dead
people".
We check out reality with other people all the time. It is part of how we
keep our reality detection devices properly tuned. "Do you see what I see? Is it
me or is that ladies hair on fire?" Our self-esteem suffers and our trust in
ourselves begins to erode if our reality detection devices begin to seem
unreliable. In the end, we begin to think we are crazy. This is an essential
component of bone fide Brainwashing. If you have complete control over another
person and you make reality unpredictable, they have to rely on you for reality.
"Today is Tuesday. So is Tomorrow." The organizing fabric of reality as derived
from sensory and perception begins to deteriorate if that reality is not
validated by those around us. This is a technique for making other people crazy.
This sort of reality distortion is a principal plot device in the play and
movie, Gaslight. A man marries a naive young woman and sets out to drive her
crazy so that he can steal her jewels. Each time he leaves the house the gas
lights dim and she hears footsteps on the floor above (he sneaks back in by a
secret stairway, dims the light, and walks the floor.) No one else notices and
he insists that he was away. She begins to think she is crazy. The more the
victim of Gaslighting trusts the person who is bending reality, the more the
victim suffers.
Some people claim that the partner of someone who is having an affair always
knows. I doubt that is true. But I do think that partners often know that
something is amiss - if they pay attention to their intuition. And that holds
for more than affairs. I think most people detect subtle shifts in the conduct
and emotion and mood - the aspect if you will - of their partners. When we
detect shifts, we check it out by asking questions. Usually, if our intuition is
working and our friends are truthful, they validate our intuition.
Sex addicts lie to keep their secret lives secret. They lie by omission and
commission. They lie to lots of people. Most especially, they lie to their
partners. They lie to cover up. They lie when their partners ask questions and
express suspicion and doubt. Addicts gaslight their partners. This is one of the
wounds that partners suffer and must heal.
When addicts get into recovery they are often surprised by the intensity of
their partners reactions. But reflect on the little thought experiment that
began this essay. When you deceived your partner, you caused her or him to call
reality into question. You damaged their relationship with reality. Because your
partner trusted you - trusted that you would not distort reality - your partner
may have felt quite crazy. There is relief for partners when they know the truth
- they begin to know that they are not crazy and so can begin to restore their
own relationship with reality. But trust does not restore quickly.
Return to your imagination and think what you would think and feel if your
partner and coworkers and friends admitted that they had been deliberately
distorting reality to keep secrets and make you crazy. Imagine that they had
been doing that for years. Even if those people disclosed their acts, expressed
their remorse, and promised never to do that again, how long would it take you
to again trust them to validate your reality?
